I wish I had been able to read But What Will People Say? when I was a teen and young adult. But that was in the 1970s and 1980s. Sahaj Kaur Kohli, the author of this enlightening self-help book, hadn’t even been born. My parents were among the first Indians to immigrate to America when the U.S. government was recruiting foreign-born doctors.
As I read this book I flagged so many passages. For example, on page 36, Kohli reveals that, according to an informal survey of 6,000 children of immigrants, 91% said they would label their families of origin as at least somewhat dysfunctional. I was surprised by this high percentage since immigrant parents tend to be very focused on their children’s well-being.
My own parents, for example, provided not only the basics of food, clothing, and shelter, but also music lessons, educational and fun vacations, and holiday celebrations. They paid for my college education and for my wedding.
Kohli explains that “the most common forms of dysfunction in immigrant familes are rigidity; clearly defined or differentiated hierarchies and rules/expectations; hypercriticism; corporal punishment; emotional neglect; and substance abuse by a parent” (p. 36). Looking at this list, I realized I had experienced most of these. My parents raised us the way they were raised back in India, and they no doubt experienced many of these as well, which were considered “normal.” Kohli asks, “If these dysfunctions are commonplace in many of our immigrant families, that begs the question: where does culture end and where does trauma begin?”
When I was a teen and young adult, counseling was taboo in my family. Mental health issues were swept under the rug. Even though my sibling and I were clearly struggling as teens, my parents would not consider seeking any kind of mental health care. My mother’s viewpoint was that an “American” (i.e., not Indian) counselor would not understand her culture, and an Indian would gossip about us within the community. My mother’s fears may have been justified. At that time we did not have access to a community of South Asians who were open to dealing with mental health issues. Kohli set up such a community in 2019, which she named Brown Girl Therapy.
Kohli’s book alternates between her own personal story of growing up in Virginia as the youngest daughter of Sikh immigrant parents; data from informal surveys of the Brown Girl Therapy community; and advice for children of immigrants from her work as a counselor. As a young adult, Kohli tried to adhere to her parents’ expectations by studying pre-med in college. However, she failed her classes. On top of that, a sexual assault sent her into a mental health crisis. Her parents were ashamed when she moved back home to heal. She, herself, was ashamed. When she was finally able to earn her bachelor’s degree twelve years after she started, she kept this long delay hidden from most people.
I wish I could have been part of a community like the Brown Girl Therapy group. I wish I would have sought out therapy as a young adult. Instead, I allowed guilt, shame, and hidden anger to run my life. I chose a boyfriend who was not good to me partly, I believe, because it upset my mother. I refused to attend medical school or to even think about a career partly, I believe, to upset my father. I was convinced that my parents hated me (because they tried to force me to follow their pre-conceived notions of who I should be), so I was going to do things to hurt them even while on the surface being friendly and respectful (because a child of immigrants should never be angry at parents who have sacrificed so much for us). I was an emotional mess. I would have benefited from knowing that guilt, shame, and difficulty dealing with emotions are very common among children of immigrants. I was not some freak who couldn’t figure out my own life.
Kohli points out that many immigrant parents were not taught how to handle their emotions in a mature way. Many immigrant parents therefore have a young “emotional age” and we, as their children, might also be emotionally immature. We might be uncomfortable with our emotions and we might resort to defense mechanisms such as “redirecting our feelings onto others, refusing to accept our feelings, and regressing to childish behaviors when dealing with uncomfortable feelings” (p. 148). I found this to be an eye-opening perspective. Reading Kohli’s book has given me more empathy for my own struggles, as well as more sympathy for my parents’ struggles.